Hesitations
by Kate Anderson
Summary: *part four up* We weren't Detectives Benson and Stabler; we were Olivia and Elliot...
1. Part One

Hesitations 

The characters aren't mine. 

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"Liv?" 

"Hmmm?" 

"You're standing on my foot." 

I watched with amusement as Olivia quickly yanked her foot off of mine. "Sorry," she mumbled and rubbed a hand across her tired face. "How long have we been standing out here?" 

I pushed my jacket sleeve back and twisted my watch around. "Oh, about three hours now." I replied. "Gettin' tired?" 

Olivia leaned against the wall with a heavy sigh. "You could say that. I don't think this guy's gonna show." 

"We should be relieved soon." I told her and joined her in leaning against the wall. "Want to grab a coffee once they get here?" 

Olivia yawned and then perked up slightly at the mention of coffee. "You buyin'?" 

"Sure, it's on me." I told her and stared down at my watch. It had been a long time since I'd been able to feel my toes. I suspected they were still there, but I had no evidence to back up that suspicion. 

Beside me, Olivia was rubbing her hands together and exhaling on them. "Of course it has to be one of the coldest spring days." she muttered. 

"Of course." 

Olivia sighed and stared hopefully down the road. I adjusted my collar, hoping to block out more of the cold. After staring at my watch for what seemed like a short eternity, a sleek black car pulled up just down the road. I felt myself grin as Munch and Fin got out and began to walk in our direction. 

"Finally." Olivia said and peeled herself off from the wall. 

Olivia and I filled them in on what had happened - in other words, nothing - we left them with a warning to keep moving before parts of your body started mysteriously disappearing. 

"Where to?" I asked, after Olivia and I had piled into the car. 

"Anywhere with caffeine sounds good right about now." she replied and after I'd turned the ignition, leaned over and cranked the heater up to full blast. "Much better." she said, placing her hands over the vent. 

I decided that we'd hit a little place that I'd seen and thought looked good. My hands were starting to feel a little roasted, but Olivia seemed to be enjoying the heat so much, I didn't want to ruin her fun. 

"Looks cozy." Olivia commented as I pulled the car into a space in front of the coffee house. "Bet they have some great java." 

I nodded in agreement and we hustled into the store, not wanting to stay out in the cold for any longer than we had to. She was right - the place was cozy. A few scattered patrons sat at tables, hunched over their coffee. Most were reading newspapers or clicking away on their laptops. 

We ordered our coffee and when it was ready, eagerly scooped it up and seated ourselves in a small booth. Olivia shrugged out of her jacket and draped it over the bench beside her. 

"So," she said, giving me a slight smile. "What's up with you?" 

I chuckled. "We just spent three hours doing nothing and you decide to make small talk now?" 

Olivia shrugged. "Sounded like a good question." 

I took a careful sip of my coffee, relishing in the feel of the bitter, hot liquid sliding down my throat. "What's up with me?" I said after I'd swallowed. "Not much. Same old, same old." 

"Kids okay?" 

"Kids are great." I replied. It's not that I didn't like talking about my kids, I just got the impression that Olivia wasn't really interested in hearing about their school projects. 

Olivia had her hands wrapped around her cup, trying to sap all the warmth through the styrofoam. "Good to hear." 

"How about you?" I asked, figuring that I should at least return the favour. "You doin' okay?" 

"Can't complain." she said and laid a slender hand on the table. I looked down at it, fascinated by the gentle curves of her wrist. 

"Look Liv," I said quietly. "If there's something that you wanna talk about..." 

She shook her head and regarded me with her tired eyes. "No." she said simply. 

I put my hand on the table across from hers and allowed my fingers to gently touch hers. Her hand twitched, as though she were considering tearing it away. 

"You sure? Because, you know, I'm always willing to listen." I knew she had something on her mind and I had a fairly good idea of what that something was. 

"Not right now Elliot." 

I moved my hand a few more inches, letting it rest over hers. "Soon?" I asked, prodding her gently. 

She shrugged, staring down at my hand covering hers. "Maybe." 

I took my hand away, picking up my coffee again. "We should go." I said. "Check in with Cragen before heading home." 

Olivia nodded and began to gather up her jacket. "Sure." she murmured and slid out of the booth. I watched her as she slipped her arms into the jacket and pulled it around herself. 

"Liv?" 

She looked up as she tied a loose knot in the belt of her jacket. "Yes?" 

"Whenever you're ready." 

She nodded and grabbed her coffee. I stood up and followed her out of the shop. 


	2. Part Two

Hesitations   
  
The characters aren't mine.  
  
Thank you to everyone for the phenomenal feedback on the first part. I wasn't planning on continuing with the story - but what the heck, might as well give it a shot!  
Annie - Good to see you again!! It's always nice to see people pop back up again, in a place where you least expect them.   
  
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It was customarily late by the time I arrived home. The kids had, hopefully, long ago gotten into bed and were sound asleep. Since Kathy's death, a nanny had been there for them when they got home from school and she was there to see them off to bed. 

As I hung my jacket up, she shuffled past me and out the door. "See you tomorrow Detective." she said, leaving me in a cloud of heavy perfume. 

I watched her go, high heels clicking on the cement stoop, wondering if she had applied her perfume with a firehose. Perhaps a new nanny was in order - one who lived-in and didn't party like it was the end of the world each night. 

Despite the fatigue I had felt earlier in the day, I was too awake now to even consider bed. The coffee break with Olivia had helped immensely, even if it had left me feeling uneasy. 

Papers were strewn about on the coffee table, a few having fluttered off and landed on the floor. I bent over to tidy them up, pausing to read the scribbles as I did so. Notes on the industrial revolution and carefully traced triangles, with points labelled a, b and c. 

I supposed that I should take comfort that there were no jagged letters, proclaiming for all the world to see - I HATE MY DAD! Would I have done that had I been in their place? I probably would have drawn a terrible caricature and slashed it with knives. 

I sat down on the couch and began to sort the papers into piles. One pile for one child, one pile for another. I let my mind wander as the paper found their way into the proper pile. Was Olivia at home, performing a menial activity to try and pass the time? Why did I care where Olivia was and what she was doing? 

I eventually ran out of papers, though in the end, I'm fairly certain that each pile amounted to at least three trees. My eyes were feeling heavy and leaning back into the couch and closing them was starting to sound very appealing. 

As I drifted off, the dim sound of knocking floated into my sleep deprived brain. I stumbled toward the door, thinking that the only person crazy enough to be showing up at my door in the middle of the night was, "Olivia." I said, after I'd opened the door. 

She pushed her bangs back from her face and then stuffed both hands into her jacket pockets. "Hi." she said and looked me over uncertainly. "Did I wake you?" 

I stepped aside and ushered her in. "No. I was just resting my eyes." 

She smiled, her eyes crinkling at the corners ever so slightly. Her boots made a dull thud on the floor as she stepped inside. I watched, fascinated by the movement of her fingers as she nimbly unzipped them and slipped them off. 

Her toes wiggled inside of her socks and she gave me an almost apologetic grin. "I hope my feet don't smell too bad." she said. Her fingers then set about unbuttoning her jacket and slipping if off her body. 

"I don't smell anything." 

"Good." She smiled and hung her jacket up in the closet. Up beside a small purple jacket. Right where Kathy used to hang hers. 

"Not that I mind the company or anything, but what brings you over here?" I asked, curious as to why I was on the receiving end of an uncharacteristic visit from Olivia. 

She flashed me a look with her dark eyes and pushed her bangs back again. "You said whenever I was ready." 

My heart did a funny jump, as though it were attempting to vacate my body before things got really weird. In truth - I hadn't expected her to be ready so soon. "Do you want something to drink?" 

Olivia shook her head. "No, I think I just want to talk." She shuffled across the floor and settled herself down on the couch. Her body resting where mine had been not five minutes before. "Enough papers?" 

Her gaze had settled on the mountainous piles of school papers. "They're for a project." I replied and settled myself down beside Olivia. Truthfully, I had no idea whether they were for a project or not. 

"Oh." she said and leaned forward. "Industrial revolution. Nice." I shrugged. My nanny knew more about my kids than I did - she'd know whether they were for a project or not. 

"Liv..." 

Olivia dropped the papers and leaned her back against the cushions. "I know, I didn't come over here to discuss how the industrial revolution changed Europe." 

She closed her eyes and for a moment, I was afraid that she had dozed off. Being faced with a sleeping Olivia on my couch was not a prospect that I cared to contemplate at the moment. 

"I don't know what to do." she said, not opening her eyes. 

Hesitating again. She was hesitating again and deep down inside, part of me was relieved. "About what?" I asked, prodding her. Wanting to hear her say the words. 

"About us. About this." She opened her eyes and waved a hand around. Pale flesh, cutting through the air - nearly hitting me. 

I looked at her, mentally tracing the lines of her face, the curve of her lips, the slope of her nose. "No one said it would be easy." I said softly. 

Her gaze flickered over my face before she turned her head slightly and stared into the distance. I followed her eyes and found that she was looking at a photo. "Would be easier if she were still here." Olivia murmured. 

"Kathy?" 

She nodded, her hair falling into her face again. She chose not to brush it away this time, letting it sit there, half blocking her vision. "Did you love her? I mean, really love her?" 

Olivia's question shocked me. It wasn't like her to be so direct - our method of conversation was usually indirect and vague. "She was the mother of my children. Of course I loved her." But you didn't love her enough, a part of my mind screamed at me. 

Olivia accepted my answer with silent contemplation. I could almost hear the gears in her mind turning over, processing my answer and relating it to our current situation. 

"Huh." she said finally. Just a small sound that could have meant a multitude of different things. Huh - you loved your wife and yet you let her die. Huh - you loved your wife but you love me more. Huh - I really have no idea what to say next. 

Soft footsteps sounded upstairs and I saw Olivia tense at the sound. It was clear that she wasn't prepared to have one of the kids find her here, talking on the couch with Daddy in the middle of the night. "They don't usually come down." I said and she visibly relaxed. A few moments later, the toilet flushed and the footsteps retreated back to bed. 

"I shouldn't have come here." Olivia said suddenly and stood up. "I should go. I'll see you tomorrow." 

She hurried over to the door, grabbing her jacket from the closet. I followed her a moment later, putting myself between her and the door. She put her jacket on and looked at me, willing me with her eyes to move. 

"Liv. Don't go." 

She shook her head, her fingers buttoning up her jacket. They were trembling now. I reached out and grabbed her hand - feeling elated by the physical contact. 

She tried to pull away but her movements stopped as I stroked her wrist. Her eyes sent me a silent warning - Don't do something you know we'll both regret Elliot. 

Ignoring her warning, I pulled her towards me. My hand dropped hers and I put both hands on her shoulders. I could feel her warm breath on my throat - uneven, nervous. 

One hand moved and found itself on her face, tracing the curves. She looked up at me and her eyes sent me another message - now or never Elliot.   
  



	3. Part Three

Hesitations   
  
The characters aren't mine.  
  
I feel that I should mention here that unfortunately I haven't had the opportunity to view that many episodes of this wonderful series. I do not know Elliot's children and I have used Kathleen simply because she and I share the same name.   
  
Again, thank you for the feedback. It keeps me writing :)   
  
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I looked into Olivia's eyes, wondering if I should be frightened by what I saw in them; a desire that mirrored my own. She blinked and I ran my thumb tenderly over her eye, pushing back a lock of hair as I went. 

"Liv..." I murmured. 

She opened her eyes again. _Now or never Elliot._ I had seen the same look in Kathy's eyes, not so long ago. The look that challenged me, the look that told me what she desired. 

I had my back pressed against the door, feeling the cold seeping through it and into my skin. Olivia raised a hand and laid it on my chest. "Are you thinking about her?" she asked, her lips barely moving even as she said the words. 

The question caught me off guard - of course I was thinking about her. Kathy was the last woman who had been so close to me in such an intimate way. "Yes." I admitted. "But not like that." 

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Like what?" 

"I'm not imagining that she's here." 

Olivia took her hand off my chest, leaving behind a heated patch that quickly cooled; calling out for her touch again. She stepped away from me, wrapping her arms around her body, as though she were shielding herself from my eyes. 

"Dad?" 

I saw Olivia visibly flinch at the sound of Kathleen's voice and I cursed myself for not having heard her come downstairs. Kathleen's eyes never left Olivia's figure as she hurriedly put on her boots and pushed past me. "I'll see you tomorrow." she mumbled before continuing with her hasty retreat. 

I shut the door after her. Leaving a hand on it, I turned to face my daughter. To say that she was not impressed would have been an understatement. "Discussing work?" Kathleen asked, the sarcasm fairly dripping from her words. 

I can't tell her that it wasn't what it looked like. It was - or would have been had Olivia not backed away when she did. I shook my head, not willing to argue with Kathleen tonight. "Go back to bed." I said, keeping my voice even. 

Kathleen gave me a cold look and turned on her heels. I don't blame her for feeling the way that she does - afterall, it wasn't that long ago that she -quite literally- stumbled over the dead body of her mother. She blamed me for Kathy's death - hell, I blame myself for Kathy's death. _You didn't love her enough._ Hadn't loved her enough to protect her from my job. 

Kathleen's footsteps thundered up the stairs and a moment later, her bedroom door closed with a slam. I felt a shudder run through my body as the noise jolted me. In the living room, a piece of paper fluttered down to the floor. 

The paper wasn't important, it could remain on the floor. I could feel a chilly draft floating into the house and longed to feel that coolness over my entire body. Shoving my feet into runners, I grabbed a light jacket and headed out the door. It didn't much matter where I was going, the important thing was that I was going. 

My feet hit the pavement, faster and faster as I picked up speed before settling into a comfortable jog. I ran under streetlights, past sleeping houses. _Who knew what evil lurked within those houses. The evil that killed, the evil that you see day in and day out._ A dog barked in a fenced off yard as I jogged past. I let out a small _shush_ and the dog howled. 

I wasn't entirely sure just how long I had been running. I felt surprisingly winded and bent over, resting my hands on my knees. A bead of sweat rolled down my face, chilling quickly in the cold air. As I let out panting breaths, they condensed in the air, creating a puff of white. As I stood up, I looked around, only faintly recognizing where I had ended up. It all looks so different in the dark. 

The sound of a motor in the distance caught my attention. As it drew closer, headlights shone down the street. I felt myself involuntarily freeze. _Like a deer caught in headlights._

The car drew up beside me, rubbing tires on the curb. I knew the car. A window rolled down and I peered inside. "Get in." she said. "It's freezing out there." 

I grabbed the handle and let myself inside; feeling instantly grateful for the heat blowing on my face. "I thought you went home." I said, glancing over at her - at her hands gripping the steering wheel. 

She shook her head. "Found myself driving in circles around your neighbourhood instead." 

Her foot remained on the brake but she looked as though she wanted to stomp on the gas and send the car, along with both of us, careening over the sidewalk and through the white picket fence on the other side. "Don't worry about Kathleen." I said softly. 

"She seemed pretty upset." 

"Don't worry about her." I said again, hoping that if I said it enough times, I might even start to believe it myself. "She just needs more time." 

Olivia looked at me, her dark eyes flashing in the soft glow from the streetlight. "And you don't?" 

"I'm fine." 

"So that's why you were jogging in the middle of the night on the coldest day in April?" 

She had a point. Why was I running? Was I running _from_ something? "I needed to clear my head." 

Olivia nodded and switched her foot over to the gas. She steered the car back onto the road and drove slowly down the street. "Want me to take you home?" 

I watched the careful movement of her hands as she turned the wheel. I wanted to say no but I couldn't. "Yes. Take me home." 

Was that a flicker of disappointment that I saw cross her face? "Okay." she murmured. Okay - I'll take you home, you need to be with your kids. Okay - but I'm disappointed that you don't want to go elsewhere. 

"We'll talk about this soon Liv, I promise." 

Her head nodded, a barely perceptible movement as she concentrated on the road ahead. She pulled up at the curb outside my house, again rubbing her tires. _Now or never Elliot._ I leaned over to her, hooking her chin with my thumb. 

She let out a small squeak as my fingers touched her face again. I pressed my lips to hers and then before either of us could utter another word, I left the car and jogged into the house.   
  



	4. Part Four

Hesitations   
  
The characters aren't mine.  
  
Sorry that it's taking me so long to get this written. I really have no excuse other than I'm trying to write too many stories in too many fandoms at once and my muse is very picky about what I write!   
Glad that you all are enjoying the story.   
  
------   
  


She was still outside. I could see her headlights through the curtains, illuminating the neighbourhood. Chances were good that her heart was pounding just as hard as mine, and that her hands were trembling just as much as mine. Given our current condition, perhaps her not driving was the best choice. 

Though being privy to her accident report would be interesting. _I failed to yield on account of my hands were shaking and my heart was palpitating because my partner had kissed me._

"Gone out for a quickie?" Kathleen's voice startled me from my musings. She was looking at me, as though trying to zap me into nothing with the sheer force of her glare. 

"I went out for a run." I informed her and then realized that her assumption wasn't based upon nothing. I was sweating and trembling and had I mirror, I'm sure that I would have seen a red flush on my face. 

"Right." she said. "A run in the middle of the night after Olivia's been by." 

I wiped my forehead with the sleeve of my jacket and then unzipped it, hanging it up in the closet where it had been before. "What do you want to say, Kathleen?" 

"The truth." she stated. I looked at her, standing before me, clad in her pyjamas. I could almost believe that she was my little girl again. 

The truth. Alright, I could do that. "I went out for a run, after you chased Olivia out." 

Kathleen rolled her eyes in the way that only teenaged girls could. I figured that it was probably a required course in school. Eye Rolling: 101. Learn how to use it effectively. "For starters, Dad, I did not chase her out. And if that's all you did, then how come there's a car sitting outside?" 

I glanced through the curtains again, she was still there. "Probably someone lost. Go back to bed Kathleen, you have to be up for school in a few hours." 

She made a noise of pure disgust. "Since when do you care about what I do? I'm surprised that you even know I go to school." 

My head was starting to hurt and I was beginning to wonder if Olivia was okay. Having a full blown argument with Kathleen was not high on my list of things that I wanted to do right at that moment. "This conversation is over." I said firmly, looking right at her. 

Kathleen attempted to stare me down, but she eventually tired of it and turned on her heels. She slammed her door with such force that a breeze blew through the house. I pulled back the curtains a bit and peered outside. Olivia was sitting in her car - thankfully, not slumped over the steering wheel - with her headlights shining brightly into one of the neighbour's houses. I was sure that they were appreciating the light show. 

I still had my shoes on, so I quietly opened the door and hurried over to her car. No doubt Kathleen was watching me from her window, but seeing as she already had the wrong impression (or was it really so wrong?), it couldn't do any harm. 

I knocked on the window, motioning for Olivia to roll it down. She complied and stared at me. Her eyes prompted me to speak. "Having trouble remembering which pedal in the gas?" Great. I just had to go out there and make bad jokes. 

Olivia shook her head. "No, I uh..." 

"Just couldn't leave, huh?" 

A small smile graced her lips. "Something like that." 

"Well, if you're going to stay here, you might as well shut off your engine and headlights." I told her. 

She nodded and twisted the ignition off. The light disappeared and I could almost hear the neighbours breathing a sigh of relief. Then, to my surprise, she opened the door and got out. "Guess that I'm still trying to figure out what exactly happened between us." she murmured. 

I gestured toward the stairs leading up to my house. She nodded, and we sat down. "Kathleen's probably watching us." I said quietly. "She was waiting for me when I ran into the house." 

"Let her watch." Olivia said with a shrug. She propped an elbow up on her leg and resting a cheek on her hand, she turned to look at me. "She can write a book when she gets older. How my father killed my mother and then had a torrid affair with his partner. It's got best seller written all over it." 

I chuckled, out of relief that Olivia was handling this so well, more than because of what she had said. I could find little humour in the statement that I had killed Kathy. It wasn't me that pulled the trigger... 

"Elliot," Olivia said softly. "Do you really think that anything between us could work?" 

"Truthfully? I'm not sure, Liv." 

She let her arm fall to her side where she began to trace paths on the porch. "That's what I'm afraid of." she said, looking down at her paths rather than at me. 

Off in the distance, a dog began barking. The noise rang through the quiet streets. "Besides, I don't think that now is the best time to make any life altering decisions." I said and then taking what I figured to be a great risk, I put my arm around her and tried to pull her closer to me. 

Olivia stiffened under my touch, but soon relaxed her body against mine. "When is a good time?" she asked. "There never seems to be a good time. Our jobs, the stress..." 

She had a point. Now, in the quiet darkness, we were ourselves. We weren't Detectives Benson and Stabler; we were Olivia and Elliot. No death, no assaults, no victims, no criminals. Maybe now was the best time. 

Her fingers found their way to my face and she began to do what I had done to her earlier. She traced the lines of my face, the light brush of her fingers tickling ever so slightly. And she took me completely by surprise as she replaced her fingers with her lips. 

She was Olivia. I was Elliot. And we had a decision to make. 


End file.
